My great aunt had a lot of sayings, but the one I remember best was “The road to hell is paved with good intentions”. I feel sometimes like my life is made up of good intentions that I rarely follow up on. Starting a new healthy eating regime. Turning over a new leaf with tidying and cleaning as I go along. Reading my bible more. All of these things are good things, habits that will enrich my life (to varying degrees!). So why, oh why do I keep putting them off.
I don’t think it’s laziness, or that I just can’t be bothered -Although I do like to relax by sitting down not doing much, I’m not resistant to work or exertion.
So maybe its a matter of values. If it’s something I’m not truly concerned about I don’t ever get round to actually doing it. E.g. am I only bothered about not being a tidy person because of what other people think, and if I’m honest, do I really care? Or I feel like I should be eating less chocolate (Easter Day is not a good day to be writing this!!) because there’s a lot of noise in the world around me about losing weight, always striving to be one dress size smaller, but actually I’m happy the way I am (thanks to my creator God helping me see that I am beyond doubt beautifully made). I think there’s something in this, because with some things I’m really not a procrastinator. Coco Pops for instance. I don’t put off playing with him, feeding him, generally taking care of him because the value I place on these tasks is massive – its all part of his development of which I’m hugely responsible!
But then this can’t explain everything. It doesn’t explain why I don’t read my bible way more than I do. As a christian I know that the bible is so so key. It’s the main way that God seeks to speak into my life. In it I find truth, about who God, about who I am, I find encouragement, I find challenge, I find life. Take this for example,
Romans 8:15-16 – “This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike “What’s next, Papa?” God’s Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children.”… The bible is full of stuff like this. Pretty exciting stuff!!
Anyway, so. I love the bible. When I read it regularly I notice a difference in my life. I am aware of God with me in a way I can’t get hold of truly when I’m not spending time reading his book. But still I might go through a phase of reading it a lot, then I miss a few days and before I know it weeks, months have gone by and I haven’t even picked it up to take to church!
So the “I don’t actually really care about it” reason doesn’t apply here. So it’s something else. And as I’ve written this I think it’s dawning on me. Fear of failure. I hate to lose. You only have to play me at articulate (or any game actually) to know that! And most resolutions a person makes, whether its to eat less chocolate, tidy up more, or read the bible more, somewhere along the line are going to fall down. Do you know anybody that’s kept a new years resolution for a whole year? And when you “fail” you feel rubbish. Even if its something small like actually doing your hair properly every day (for me that’s as basic as pulling a brush through it!), the first day you don’t do it you feel like an idiot for not even being able to keep that little promise to yourself!
But fear of failing has got to be one of the most stupid reasons not to do something good! I really don’t want to get to the end of my life and regret having not lived my life to the full, that seems like such a waste. So lets go for it. Try out new things, do everything I can to make my life and the lives of those around me more fulfilled.
Best go get my bible out then…